So it turns out that Psalm 139 isn't just for sweet babes in the womb, but it's also for those babes' impatient moms when said wee ones are past-due.
This is the most uncomfortable I've been in any of my pregnancies (setting aside 6+ months straight of puking each time). I am so ready for this to be done, and I go to bed each night hardly daring to hope that tonight will be tonight, that tomorrow will be the day.
And then (so far) that day comes and I wake up cranky and it just goes downhill from there. I don't even like being around myself most of the time, although I'd really like to blame most of it on offspring #1 & 2.
And then God's Word tells me that this day -- this day of discomfort, this day of overly-sharp words and overreactions to minor infractions, this night of nonstop Braxton Hicks that prevent sleep: this day was ordained for me before I was even born.
Not even just known or anticipated, but planned.
"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Also: "Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely." (Ouch.)
Psalm 139 is rife with quotables: the classic pro-life bit, the parts that have been turned into song (read it for yourself for a refresher!). Not so oft quoted: verses 19-21.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
Last night, I went to bed wondering if I could read David as I read Paul in Romans 7:
"Oh, that you would slay the wicked [woman inside of me], O God!
O murderous thoughts and words, depart from me!
So many words and actions every day belie my confession that you are Savior and King;
I am your enemy every time I seize control or take your name in vain.
[Wretched woman that I am!]
Should I not hate everything that shows me hating (even just momentarily turning my back on) you?
Can I loathe my own sin as much as I loathe those who loathe you (or who just inconvenience me)? I do, I hate my sin with complete hatred; it is my constant companion and my enemy."
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! ... I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. ...
Maybe today will bring a baby. Maybe not. Either way, I need to choose to rest in knowing that this day was ordained for me before there was time. Not just the fact of the day, but the content, down to my very thoughts and words.
...Lead me in the way everlasting!
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