Undeserving

Sometimes I have to work hard to be thankful, and sometimes it just washes over me in waves.

One of the "waves" times is at night, when I check in my children as they are sleeping. Even if it has been a hard day, those sweet, beautiful, peaceful faces stop my heart briefly and I am overcome with gratitude for their lives and that those lives intersect so closely with mine.

This thankful reverence usually brings with it a healthy dose of fear, as I remember what a great responsibility it is to be caring for, shepherding, these souls. These fully human souls (in tiny bodies) that have just as strong of desires and ambitions, and eternity of destinies, as my own. It's not as though God looked at me and said, "She's up for this task!" In fact, God continually looks upon me and says, "You are not up for the task, but I love you so much I will grant you -- totally undeserving you -- the joy of caring for these small lives while giving grace upon grace to make up for your insufficiencies."

In the best possible way, joy, thankfulness, dependence, and supplication mingle together and overflow from my heart in prayer. This must be how the psalms were written.

"Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me,
    for I am poor and needy.
² Preserve my life, for I am godly;
    save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.
³ Be gracious to me, O Lord,
    for to you do I cry all the day.
⁴ Gladden the soul of your servant,
    for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
⁵ For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
⁶ Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
    listen to my plea for grace."

Psalm 86:1-6